


I need time to replace what I gave away

by fuechsli



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, He isn't happy, I think that's enough tags for now, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Insomnia, M/M, There are trigger warnings (of course - it's aftg), This is really Nicky-centric, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, although there's a big warning for misunderstandings, and miscommunication, and probably out of character, and well depression basically, and whatever 'happened' there, but he will be okay, but i wanted him to have some more depth and here ya go, but nothing graphic i think, he's dealing with some stuff, it's not pretty, nicky always giving and giving and giving and neglecting himself, other warnings maybe for that Christian anti-Homosexuality camp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 06:18:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10611009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuechsli/pseuds/fuechsli
Summary: Nicky isn't all right.No one notices—until they do.





	1. But everything is shattering and it's my mistake

**Author's Note:**

> So, apparently, I'm a sucker for pain and the one in 'dangerous and disquieting' isn't bad enough, so... here you go.  
> Brace yourselves. 
> 
> PS: bear in mind that Nicky is in a bad place at the moment and that his perception of things might not be always correct. And the way he deals with things certainly is not healthy.  
> Trigger warnings should all be included in the tags. 
> 
>  
> 
> Happy reading.  
> ("Happy")

He hasn't slept for days. He couldn't tell you why, except that's it's just—just a bad feeling, it's nothing really, _you don't have to worry about me_.

He's always been good at that, after all. Always putting other people first, giving up his whole life for them, and never expecting so much as a thanks. He's used to it, really.

He has Erik, after all.

Erik, who always listens when he's talking, who, for once, puts _him_ first.

Erik, who's the only reason he's still alive now, his very own savior, the one who has taught him how to smile again.

Erik, whom he hasn't spoken to for days, if not weeks. He doesn't really know anymore. He doesn't think the others have noticed. And it's fine, really, he knows that they have their own problems and they, at least, should be able to put themselves first, now that things have quietened down a bit.

Aaron's trial is coming up; he hasn't been in practice for the last week and spent most of his time at Katelyn's whenever they weren't in class.

And Andrew... Andrew has Neil. Finally, finally he's found someone who understands him, who can look after him better than Nicky ever could. He knows that he has trouble respecting boundaries, knows that not everyone finds touch as comforting as he does, and he's _trying_ , he is, it's just... Sometimes he just wants someone to hug him, to tell him that it's going to be okay, that his nightmares are just that—stupid dreams that his subconscious makes up, but...

But Erik is not here to tell him just that. He hasn't been _right here_ in years, since last year Christmas has fallen through and the day after the final, which they wanted to spend together, was ruined by Riko Moriyama, once again.

Life's not fair, it really isn't, and even though Nicky isn't one to hold grudges it's just—it isn't easy.

The others have had each other for comfort, and he's happy for them, really, but he just wishes he were included in some way. Instead, when they eventually got back from Charleston, Renee and Allison were the first ones to disappear, then there were Kevin and Thea, who has insisted on accompanying her boyfriend, and Aaron and Katelyn. Andrew and Neil lingered the longest, but they, too, left not too long after Dan and Matt, and Nicky had wanted to break out in tears right then and there, but Coach and Abby and Bee had wanted to see them all off, so that option was ruled out. He hadn't even known where to go, afterwards, since all of the dorm rooms were occupied, obviously, and he hadn't wanted to interrupt, he's learned his lesson and he's trying to do better, but...

That had been the first night the memories started coming back in earnest. He wasn't able to call Erik at that moment like he’d usually do, because he still was on the plane and he'd have an important business meeting the next morning and Nicky knows better than to bother people who don't want to be bothered right then.

So he'd wandered around campus all by himself all night, trying and failing to outlast his demons and he'd given in when he passed the liquor store. The old lady behind the counter hasn't spared him a second glance when he'd demanded their strongest alcohol, even though she must have seen his red-rimmed eyes and noticed his fumbling hands, the tears and snot he hasn't managed to keep in entirely, and that was exactly the one thing he hadn't needed right then. People who don't care always were his worst enemy and he always tries to make up for them in every way he knows how to, but Aaron and Andrew have never appreciated his efforts, and the others mostly are annoyed when he notices that they aren't all right, so he's tried to adopt the happy-go-lucky masquerade, only that this isn't working for him anymore either. But seems to work for the others, they seem to at least tolerate him now while there was open hostility the same time last year, so it doesn't matter what it does to him, as long as the others are all right.

Thus, he's spent the night of the day when Riko Moriyama's suicide was announced sitting on a bench, drinking liquor so potent his mouth seemed to be burning away, fighting off his own demons and trying to replace them with the real monsters, the ones that finally are defeated, and if he fails at that he doesn't acknowledge it.

The next morning, he ignored his hangover and joined his Foxes for a weirdly morbid celebratory breakfast, and he cracks jokes and drags Riko as if the last night has never happened—which it hasn't. Not where Nicky is concerned, and the old lady certainly won't remember him, won't even recall that she's kicked him awake when she's found him sleeping on the store's doorstep the next morning at opening time. Just another partying college student, right?

So, when Renee asks where _he_ has spent the night, he only winks at her and says "That's for me to know and for you to find out." and nobody questions him, probably assuming that he's found a way to make Erik stay, after all, and he doesn't try to correct them. That's what he wanted, after all. They should be happy, shouldn’t worry for him. There's nothing wrong, after all.

But the sleepless nights have mounted since then.

At first it had started in Columbia, as, when cracker dust and alcohol began losing their influence in the early hours of the morning, he'd lie in his bed, wide awake, and the patterns on the ceiling would transform into Riko's face, into Drake's and Luther's and Bethany's, and he'd have to get out of there, and he does so quietly, sitting on the back porch steps, drinking and drinking and drinking, trying to forget, trying to remind himself what Erik has said about the sunrise that he watches now, but that's one of the first things he forgets, first the good and then the bad and in the morning, the real morning when normal people get out of bed, Aaron laughs at him for still being drunk and because he’s complaining about his horrible headache, Andrew is mostly preoccupied with Neil, and Neil tosses him an Advil, but no one ever asks any questions. And Nicky really should know that by now, should know that boys don't talk about their feelings, boys don't cry, but they're in Columbia, only a few miles away from his parents' house, from those horrible, horrible memories that correlate so closely to other memories and— _he can't do it_.

He doesn't say so, of course, but he teases Neil and Andrew about their sex life when the team is waiting for Wymack, once, and although that earns him a knife to the gut, he doesn't regret it, it’s worth Andrew’s glare because they actually accept when he proposes that they go alone to Columbia for privacy reasons from now on, and Dan and Matt and Allison holler at the insinuations and Neil furiously blushes, but no one questions his motives—and that's what he wanted. No longer having to make the trip to Columbia, no more risks to slip up.

And so his sleeplessness extends to other nights as well, because of course the universe wouldn't allow him a damned break, and soon it's so bad he can barely keep his eyes open in some of his classes.

He doesn't spend all of those nights drinking, of course, even he knows that that would be severely damaging to body _and_ mind, but he does try to find other coping mechanisms.

He tries reading, for one, something that Andrew seems to enjoy, but that soon turns out to just not work for him—too many chances where he can lose himself in a word, a sentence, a scene, and— _no_.

He tries studying hard enough to make up for everything he's missed, but even for subjects he used to burn for he now finds his energy lacking, and he can't focus long enough to finish an assignment that doesn't contain a thousand stupid mistakes.

Watching TV is out of the question for obvious reasons—it’s too loud and not in the least captivating enough to keep his mind from wandering.

Running—he tries running; it seems to work for Neil and it works for Nicky too, for a while at least, but only until he could blindly run the routes around campus, until he doesn’t have to pay much attention to where he’s going anymore, and he isn't daring enough to venture further, so running gets ruled out to.

It's nearing winter when he eventually discovers something else, something that’s his alone—one evening, he sees the light-up sign of the indoor pool and thinks _why not_? And it actually works for him, because _there_ wasn't a swimming pool, that means there are no bad memories directly connected to it, and the rest of his thoughts are taken care of by the fact that once he loses focus he swallows water and sinks, and that's enough to ensure that his mind doesn't wander, that he stays focused on the present. It's great.

Matt is the first one to notice the physical changes, the way Nicky's tall figure has become slimmer (skinny almost; he hasn't really had an appetite for the past who-knows-how-long) and yet more muscular, that his stamina has improved and he doesn't pantingly trail after the group any longer.

Nicky tries to deny at at first, of course, pointing out that the freshmen just can't keep up with him (that's a lie), that Matt just hasn't paid attention to him lately and he just _seems_ to look different now (that's a lie, as well, although only partly—nobody has paid him much attention lately, except maybe the homophobic freshmen whose name Nicky still doesn't know), and when that doesn't work either, he just claims that he's been working out harder lately, that he wants to surprise his boyfriend when he'll see him again on Christmas (for Nicky, that's the most glaring lie of them all, but everyone else seems to buy it, congratulates him with a wink and a smirk, except for the homophobic freshman who only looks at him with a disgusted grimace but seems to hold himself back from saying something).

Apparently, nobody has noticed that the stories Nicky tells of his boyfriend are old and older ones—he hasn't heard from Erik for a week at least, and there certainly weren't any Christmas plans involved. 


	2. And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It gets worse and then it'll get better

It all comes to a head when one of their rare conversations ends with Nicky saying “It doesn’t matter. You’ve moved on and I have to be okay with that.” and when Erik tries to apologize, to explain himself or something, Nicky just hangs up and stares at the wall for an hour until Matt comes back.

Then, he gets up and walks out, ignoring Matt asking whether he wants to watch a movie.

He can't remember what he's done that night for the life of him. Afterwards Matt has asked him where he’s been, and Nicky has fed him some poor excuse that he can't remember either.

Bethany is always more present now. Bethany and the priest and the cross and the cries of the other boys—and then these boys get a different face, become Andrew and Aaron and even Neil and Kevin and Nicky knows that he's useless, he's worthless, he knows that he's an abomination and a failure, and that everyone would be better off without him, but—he also can't completely drown out Erik's voice telling him of new mornings and better days and it doesn't matter that he doesn’t mean anything to Erik anymore, Erik still means so much to him, he just has to accept that Erik found his happiness elsewhere and Nicky really can't begrudge him that. People like him and the Foxes deserve happiness, even if Nicky doesn't.

He misses early morning practice the day after that phone call and when Wymack threatens to sign him up for a marathon afterwards he doesn't even try to protest and instead just sighs, wearily, and nods and only when he feels the stare of every Fox on him does he realize his mistake.

Pre-break up he might have found the energy to correct, to force a bright smile on his face and turn his reaction into some great joke, but now he finds his lower lip quivering under the scrutiny ( _too many, too close_ , and he finally understands Neil's and Andrew's issues) and he presses out "If that's all, Coach, I'll go change.", gets up and bolts before he can hear anyone's reaction except for Wymack's startled agreement.

He doesn't get signed up for a marathon.

He's encouraged to go talk to Betsy, instead.

But Betsy reminds him too much of Bethany, even if their names and hair color are the only similarity, and he's only made it through their start-of-term appointment because he could talk about Erik for half an hour and now he isn't sure if he'd break into tears if he was expected to do that.

But boys don't cry. Luther has made sure that he won't forget that his whole life.

So he doesn't go to Betsy.

He doesn't sleep that night, either.

And he probably forgets to eat.

He accidentally breaks his phone when Erik won't stop messaging him because as much as he loves the man, he can't deal with that right now.

Really not.

He just wants to stop existing—for a moment, for a year, forever—until life has righted itself again, until it starts making sense again, but he doesn't want to die. Not because that'd be another sin to add to his list, but because of the ones he'd leave behind.

Not even at his lowest point does he dare to be selfish.

Instead, he silently lies in his bed for once, staring up at the ceiling, unthinking and unfeeling, waiting until Matt and their new roommate go to bed so he can finally sneak out and _forget_ , when the oddest thing happens.

Someone bangs on their door, loud and long enough that Nicky can hear Allison complaining from two doors over before Matt manages to get up and answer.

"Where is he?" Someone snarls who sounds suspiciously like Andrew. "Where is the fucking moron?"

"Uh, Andrew? Hello? What are you talking about?" Matt confirms his suspicion about _who_ , but that doesn't make the question of _why_ any easier to figure out.

The light that streams in when the bedroom door gets torn open blinds Nicky for a moment (how long has he been lying here in the dark exactly?), and when he opens his eyes again, there's another body so close to him that Nicky can't help flinching back, that the "no, please not!" has passed his lips before his brain can provide the information that this isn't Bethany, that he'll never see her again—but his brain is too slow and his demons linger too close to the surface these days.

Andrew freezes at the words, as does Nicky, as do the other people who've pressed into the room after the goalie.

It takes a few moments of total silence until Nicky is able to catch up with what's happening, and when the first shock wears off, his breathing quickens and he knows, _he knows_ that he's going to have a panic attack if everyone doesn't clear out right about now.

Andrew seems to read his thoughts. "Out," he bellows and his eyes narrow when nobody moves after a split-second. "Get the fuck out!"

They do.

Nicky can breathe a little easier.

There's only Andrew now, Andrew and Aaron, to Nicky's surprise. Didn't Aaron have a date with Katelyn today? Or was that yesterday? Last week?

Even the silence becomes too pressing now, so he wrestles his breathing completely back under control and tries for nonchalance when he lazily flops himself onto his back, turning only his head in the twins' direction, and asks "What?"

"You're a fucking moron," Aaron provides with more emotion in his voice than Nicky has heard from him in a long time while Andrew asks, bitingly, "What the fuck have you been doing?"

There’s a pause.

Then, "Don't swear, boys," Nicky says and turns his head away.

He doesn't know what to feel, what to think about their presence here. It doesn't make sense and, honestly, Nicky is too tired to spend much thought on it.

But he can't deny that this surprise visit makes for a nice distraction and that's the only reason why he doesn't tell them to leave now—not that they'd listen to him, when did they ever?

"Nicky, what's going on?" There's a strange tone in Andrew's voice—or is it Aaron's? Doesn't matter, he's sure that he hasn't ever heard that tone in either one's voice.

"Nothing," he answers eventually, but he doesn't bother to look at his cousins. "I'm fine, everything's fine."

"You sound like you're on drugs, like, heavier drugs than cracker dust." That's Aaron, Nicky's sure. Pretty sure.

"No, no. No drugs. Just—nothing else either. Just me."

"What the fuck?" Still Aaron.

The bed dips and when Nicky opens his eyes, there Andrew, watching him closely. Nicky doesn't even care about the unwanted proximity anymore.

"Have you been eating?" Andrew asks and he sounds so serious Nicky can't help but answer seriously too. It's not that easy, though—he doesn't really remember.

"Toast? I think?"

"When?"

"On Wednesday?"

"Fucking hell. It's Friday, Nicky." Aaron comes into view too.

Nicky can't really bring his eyes to focus on either of them. "Oh, is it?"

Andrew snaps his fingers in front of his face when Nicky's eyes drift shut. It's strange, that he feels so comfortable now, as if he could actually sleep without waking up in one or two hours.

"—sleeping? Nicky. How have you been sleeping?"

He grimaces at being found out. "Not so well," he admits, and only then notices that there a strange fog lying over his thoughts, a fog that makes him say things he doesn't really mean to.

"What does that mean, Nicky?" Andrew probes, obviously not satisfied with the vague answer. He doesn't appreciate ( _of course he doesn't_ ) that this has already been more than Nicky ever planned to say, more than he has admitted to in a long time.  "How many hours per night does _'not well'_ translate into?"

"You're annoying, go away." Nicky tries half-heartedly to shove his off the bed, but Andrew's stern repetition of his name makes him resign to his fate. At least the fog thins out a little now that he’s moved. "I don't know, Andrew, okay? I've been—I've been swimming."

"What are you talking about?" Aaron asks and it's clear he's fearing for Nicky's sanity. Nicky would be too.

But his patience is rapidly running out. "When I can't sleep, I go for a swim, okay? Gosh, it's as if you're the one who—" _Not going there, Nicky, don't think about it_.

"Talk to us," Andrew says and it's as if he's a completely different person. Nicky just can’t say in what aspect. "We can't help you if you don't talk to us."

Nicky stares.

Then he laughs.

Then he wants to cry but he doesn't because—

"Help me? Why would you want to help me? What gave you the idea—"

"Erik called me," Andrew says and holds up his phone that shows that there's a call going on for about thirty minutes now. _That's going to be expensive_ , Nicky thinks before the meaning of the words registers.

Then, he begins to tremble like a leaf. His body realizes first and then his mind does; his thoughts race and no, this can't be real, he's got to be dreaming, _what the fuck it going on, go away, leave me alone, don't, don't go, no, no_ —

"—Nicky, love, Nicholas, listen to me." The voice only manages to get through to him because it's talking in German and it sounds slightly distorted and that’s strange enough to silence his thoughts. "You're all right, love, just breathe with me, yeah? That's right, just breathe. Think about the morning, love, think about the sun coming up, leave the night behind you. You're doing great, love, keep it up."

"Erik?" Nicky chokes out when every breath stops being a fight. "Is that you?"

"Yes, love, that's me. Tell Andrew to put me on FaceTime so I can see you."

"But, but you're—I, what—"

"He didn't break up with you, moron," Andrew says when he takes back the phone from where he's pressed it against Nicky's ear and changes the settings.

"He didn't?"

"Nicky, no! Why would I do that?" That's Erik's faint voice, coming from the lousy speakers of the device. He looks—damn, he looks beautiful, even with so much worry etched into his face it's unbearable.

"'Cause..." Nicky doesn't find the words but he knows there are tears in his eyes. "Because I haven't been happy? Because you've seen through me and—and seen that I was only a pretty illusion after all?"

"God, Nicky, no, don't ever think that," Erik says in this soothing voice of his and then, all of a sudden he sounds and looks so, so angry. "I don't know what these people have done or said to you all year, but if I get ahold of whoever made you feel like that, I swear to God I'll—"

"They haven't done anything wrong, Erik. They haven't done anything."

"Exactly!" Erik shouts and the loudspeaker crackles loud enough that Aaron flinches. "They haven't done anything to make you feel valued and don't they know—"

"No, Erik, no they don't. Shut up." Nicky abruptly pushes away the phone and turns away to face the wall, but the damage's already been done.

There’s Aaron and Andrew demanding to know what they don’t know, there’s Erik apologizing speaking out of place and for not being there for Nicky, saying that he should have known that something wasn’t alright when Nicky began acting so strange, there’s the rest of the Foxes, waiting somewhere out of the room but still there, still worried, and Nicky just wants to block it all out and not think about it, but it’s the first time he’s feeling _real_ in weeks and he can’t really throw that away.

 

So he tells them. It's not easy and he needs to take a few breaks, but he manages to get it over with.

He still can't look his cousins in the eye, though.

There's an unpleasant churning in his stomach and he thinks that it's the first time in weeks he's felt something remotely similar to hunger.

Then, quietly, Aaron begins talking.

He tells them about Tilda Minyard, about the beatings, the alcohol, the drugs.

Nicky feels paralyzed with shock and fear and stunned amazement, he’s so surprised he can't move, but then Aaron says "I think you saved my life, Nicky. Thank you." and Nicky whips around so quickly he almost falls off his bed.

He stares at his cousin with wide eyes and he can't muster up a single word in response to that—at least not until Erik's faint but proud voice comes from Andrew's hand, saying "That's how you do it. Easy, right?"

Andrew rolls his eyes, but his gaze is open and his voice honest when he says "Yeah. Maybe you didn't save my life, but you've definitely made it better. And you should know that I really appreciate it, even if I've never said it."

Nicky's sight is blurry and there's a lump in his throat when looks at his family—and they _are_ family, they mean so much to him and apparently they care about him too; then a stray thought crosses his mind ( _fuck you, Luther_ ), and he starts bawling his eyes out.

"I haven't been sleeping for days, guys, my hormones are a mess, you can't just come out saying things like that! That’s not—"

"Shut up, Nicky," Andrew says and he suddenly sits next to Nicky on his bed, Aaron mutters something about being glad that Nicky hasn’t lost his dramatic streak, but he sits down on Nicky’s other side, and then Nicky can’t hold back anymore; he throws his arms around Aaron’s shoulders and buries his face in his cousin’s neck, his whole body wracked by uncontrolled sobs, and he feels Aaron's hands tightening around his lower back, hears him gulping as if he, too, is close to tears, and then there’s another presence at Nicky’s back, a strong hand curls around his neck and upper arm and he’s _gone_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I was mistaken.  
> There'll be three parts.  
> Honestly, this is getting out of hand.  
> And this was supposed to be all hurt and no comfort, but oh well. Nicky and Erik refuse to be separated and a little cousin-bonding has never hurts anyone. 
> 
>  
> 
> (The lyrics come from the song Fools by Troye Sivan, and they're only here because I think it kind of fits very well, not because the song was the inspiration for this or something...)

**Author's Note:**

> It's a stupid place to cut the story in half, but every other place is even more stupid, so...  
> The second part should be up tomorrow sometime, I still have to write the ending (turns out I'm actually better at writing hurt than comfort.)  
> But Nicky just doesn't deserve this. Right?
> 
>  
> 
> Why do the things I write always sound relatively good while I’m actually writing but like total crap as soon as I’m revising?  
> Point in case - I've been crying while writing this first part, but now, reading it through... I don't feel anything. Is that normal? Or do I need to get checked out? ._.
> 
>  
> 
> (And for all of those reading my Raven!Neil fic: I have no excuse why I've been writing this and not dad, but I just had to get this idea out of my head... Hope you besr with me (: )


End file.
